Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
