I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
