I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
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