If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
