You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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