Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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