Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
