Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
