i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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