went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
