I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
