I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
