she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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