yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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