I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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