Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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