Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
