So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
