She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
