Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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