i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
