We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
