The maid of honor just puked.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
