Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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