I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
