Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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