I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
