I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
