This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
