my phone needs a breathalizer
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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