im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
