he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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