I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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