god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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