allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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