if you like me you must not know who I am
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
