two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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