hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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