tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
