she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my sisters under your porch take her home
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
