The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
