Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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