I cut my penus on the lid.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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