Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
