I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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