nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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