My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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