conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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