i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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