I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
