You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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